My alternative history of important events//
The history books are filled with dates and events most of which are familiar to the majority of people; from the drafting of the Magna Carta to the battle of 1066, the discovery of Penicillin and the assassination of Archduke Francis Ferdinand and the resulting World Wars.
These events in their own individual way have shaped the course of mankind and their impacts are as relevant to this generation as they were to generations past. But for me there are some events of great importance that are rarely taught and are often overlooked by the history books.
So I thought it was about time to introduce an alternative timeline of events particularly influential to me, some famous and relevant, some less so:
13.7 million years ago
A singularity ‘THE BIG BANG’ triggers the creation and expansion of the universe
The invention of WEAVING – Fabrics, clothing, bedding and the protection of my dignity owe this date a great deal.
TEA the drink that starts and ends my day and fuels every decision in between was first served to the Emperor Shen Nung of China in this year
The first creation of PAPER, which was cited to be invented by Ts’ai Lun in China
At sometime between these dates EYEGLASSES were invented forever improving my ability to see who the hell is waving at me on the other side of the road.
Produced for the Chinese Emperor’s use, this year saw the introduction of TOILET PAPER, which is something I never wish to go without!
The PRINTING PRESS was invented by Johannes Gutenberg, which bought the written word to the masses and meant I could grow up reading comics.
In the year the reflecting TELESCOPE was invented I wonder how long it took before people began viewing bedroom windows rather than the stars?
There was once a chef called George Crum who – after having his french fries returned by a customer for being too thick – cut fries as thin as he could get them as an act of vengeance. Inadvertently on this day George had created a savoury snack to rule them all; the CRISP or potato chip to America.
The REFRIGERATOR changed the lifespan of foods across the globe and has spent 29 years keeping my cans of coke and quiche cool.
The year Christmas trees the world over felt the magic of being trimmed by FAIRYLIGHTS. Additionally fairylights are of great use to young bachelors trying to create a sense of romance in dreary basement flats.
John Pemberton patented a cure-all medicine, which came to be known as Coca-Cola. Although not used for medicinal purposes anymore, a cold can has always been my prescription to follow an adventurous night.
Some clever bloke with a hangover invented ASPIRIN.
The birth of Theodor Geisel, otherwise known as Dr Suess.
A hero for generations came into existence, as on this year Sir DAVID ATTENBOROUGH was born.
At a time where men only had a choice of long johns and boxers something arrived in Britain to provide the support and comfort of a warm hug. And so began the war of boxers vs BRIEFS.
On the year ALAN TURING invented a machine, which would become the pre-cursor to the modern day computer and drastically change the outcome of the second World War, an author called Ayn Rand wrote a book called ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ which would mould my love of capitalism.
‘IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE’ The first film to stir me into fits of Christmas wonder hit the cinema.
LEGO. That is all.
Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird was published.
Stan Lee and Steve Ditko released THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN upon the world.
Founded originally as ‘Blue Ribbon Sports’ within 7 years they would become known as Nike, Inc and would go on to establish a trainer culture beyond sport, embracing youth culture, and leading the idea of a consumer product as wearable art with limited ranges designed by urban artists.
The first CALCULATOR WATCH was released on the market, which haunted my dreams as a child as I thought it was the coolest thing EVER and was certain to attract the attention of the ladies.
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak launched the APPLE-1 and began a series of events that would ensure my pocket was destined to remain permanently empty.
The year the world changed forever! STAR WARS is released; changing cinema, merchandising, and moulding the minds of generations for years to come.
I was born 😀
The NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM made its way to Europe and bought with it hours of Mario and Zelda fun.
THE TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURLES (‘Teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in America) cartoon graced our televisions and toy stores
Straight Outta Compton was released by N.W.A effectively birthing the genre of ‘Gangsta Rap’ and reigniting the concept of the protest album.
Who could’ve predicted this year would see the birth of the WORLD WIDE WEB and instant access to a wealth of nudity and funny cat videos.
My personal first usage of the innuendo laced response ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID’, which would become a rich source of amusement for me for the following 22 years.
The beginning of Factor 3
A book by J. K. Rowling was published, introducing the world to a young wizard named HARRY POTTER.
The DAIRYLEA DUNKER (the jumbo tube variety) was released to the market changing the lives of savoury snack enthusiasts forever.